Marriage is one of the most important milestones in a person’s life. But a big question remains: is marriage purely fate (nasīb), or is it a matter of choice?
Scholars have discussed this topic extensively. People often wonder whether the spouse they choose is a result of their decision or something already decreed by Allah ﷻ.
The Prophet ﷺ gave guidance to help us make wise choices before marriage.
The Prophet’s Guidance on Choosing a Spouse
The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said:
«تُنْكَحُ المَرْأَةُ لأرْبَعٍ: لِمالِها، ولِحَسَبِها، وجَمالِها، ولِدِينِها، فاظْفَرْ بذاتِ الدِّينِ، تَرِبَتْ يَداكَ»
“A woman may be married for four reasons: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty, and her religion. Choose the one who is religious, may your hands be rubbed with dust (may you prosper).”
— [Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5090]
He ﷺ also said:
«إذا أتاكُمْ مَنْ ترضونَ خُلُقَهُ ودينَهُ فزوِّجُوهُ، إنْ لا تفعلُوا تكُنْ فتنةٌ في الأرضِ وفسادٌ عريضٌ»
“When someone whose character and religion you are pleased with comes to you, then marry him (to your daughter). If you do not do so, there will be tribulation on earth and widespread corruption.”
— [Al-Suyuti, al-Jami‘ al-Saghir, Hadith 346, Sahih]
This shows that Islam encourages both men and women to take practical steps before marriage:
- The man should meet and see the woman, so affection may grow.
- The woman (and her family) should ask about the man’s character and religion.
- A woman should never be forced into marriage without her consent.
The Prophet ﷺ said:
«الأيِّمُ أحقُّ بنفسِها مِن وليِّها، واليتيمةُ تُستأمَرُ وإذنُها صماتُها»
“A previously married woman has more right over herself than her guardian, and a virgin should be asked for permission. Her silence is her consent.”
— [Sunan al-Nasa’i, Hadith 3261, Sahih]
So, while marriage is decreed by Allah ﷻ, we are still commanded to use wisdom and make careful choices.
Is Man Free or Predestined?
Allah ﷻ created human beings and knows everything that will happen to them. Some matters are beyond our control, while others are left to our choice.
- Predestined matters (Qadr): Place of birth, family, race, and circumstances of life.
- Choice-based matters: Actions, obedience, sins, and decisions such as marriage.
Allah ﷻ says:
﴿كُلُّ امْرِئٍ بِمَا كَسَبَ رَهِينٌ﴾
“Every soul is held in pledge for what it earns.”
— [Surah al-Tur, 52:21]
This means we are accountable for choices like obedience, disobedience, and the way we live our lives. But what is outside our will, like who our parents are, is entirely Allah’s decree.
Foundations of a Successful Marriage
To ensure a strong and lasting marriage, Islam provides certain principles:
- Prioritize faith and character: Choose a righteous partner even if they lack wealth.
- Mutual responsibility: Both the man and woman should be consulted and give consent.
- Avoid prohibited relations: Allah ﷻ says:
﴿حُرِّمَتْ عَلَيْكُمْ أُمَّهَاتُكُمْ وَبَنَاتُكُمْ وَأَخَوَاتُكُمْ وَعَمَّاتُكُمْ وَخَالاَتُكُمْ وَبَنَاتُ الأَخِ وَبَنَاتُ الأُخْتِ وَأُمَّهَاتُكُمُ اللاَّتِي أَرْضَعْنَكُمْ وَأَخَوَاتُكُم مِّنَ الرَّضَاعَةِ وَأُمَّهَاتُ نِسَآئِكُمْ..﴾
“Forbidden to you (for marriage) are your mothers, your daughters, your sisters, your paternal aunts, your maternal aunts, your brother’s daughters, your sister’s daughters, your foster mothers who nursed you, your foster sisters, your wives’ mothers…”
— [Surah al-Nisa, 4:23]
- Keep marriage simple: Islam encourages affordability and warns against extravagant dowries and weddings.
Conclusion
Marriage in Islam is both nasīb (fate) and choice. We must take practical steps, seek righteous partners, and trust Allah’s decree. If marriage works out beautifully, it is by Allah’s blessing. If difficulties arise, it is also part of His wisdom.
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Frequently Asked Questions
Is marriage destiny or choice in Islam?
Marriage in Islam is both destiny and choice. Allah ﷻ decrees everything, but we are still responsible for making wise choices when selecting a spouse.
What are the Islamic criteria for choosing a spouse?
The Prophet ﷺ advised marrying for faith and character. A righteous husband or wife brings peace, stability, and blessings in marriage.
Can parents force their daughter to marry in Islam?
No. A woman cannot be forced into marriage. The Prophet ﷺ said her consent is required, and silence can indicate approval.
What if a marriage doesn’t work out in Islam?
If a marriage faces difficulties, it is still within Allah’s decree. Islam provides solutions like patience, counseling, and as a last option, divorce.
How does Islam view expensive dowries and weddings?
Islam discourages extravagance. A simple marriage with affordable dowry is more blessed and encouraged by the Prophet ﷺ.